Thursday, March 31, 2005


Kitchhiking is the new darling of the avant guarde children in northern Dalry. Times have changed, and it is a sport for the demented and fashion crazed youth seeking out kicks above and beyond the usual car smashing, theiving, nutting, smoking escapades. The seemingly innoculous title has allowed the sport to flourish rapidly as an underground movement, with only the cut few in the know realising the true nature of this deadly trend.

Kitchhikers travel in packs. There are only so many streets one can attend to alone when guised in plastic sunglasses and sunflower print handbags. The kitchhikers job must be undertaken swiftly under a distraction created by a further member of the group. Then in the dazed silences which inevitably follow, they flee into the night like 50 neon strip clubs reverberating in the suburban quiet.

The first task of the kitchhiker is to flag down a car. In this day and age car flagging is no longer the simple arm waving tactic it once was, and kitchhikers must daily invent imaginative new forms of carstopping. Exploading manholes are a favourite in Edinburgh, where packs of glitter are lashed to dynamite in a colourful and fatal combination. Sparkles forever implanted behind the retina with the white afterglow is a common driver complaint. But it is difficult to catch a kitchhiker. PVC is slippery.

avante garde children supping on exploding spaghetti.
wanting to taste LIFE.
seeking joyous explosions
in their genitals.
slipping down mucky manholes in pursuit of rock and roll,
all the forbidden sewage of society.

rot your teeth,
ruin your ears,
cut wisdom teeth,
drink frothing beer.

dirty nails and fashion's car-smashing.
past the boundaries.


smashed on fashion
plastic sewage tacked to the slip-slip-
slippery surfaces
of today's designer dream.

jackknifing into satin
the riptop slipped off panties
on the bedroom

of the fashionista avant guarde
coke queen
who chops her lines like hems
blunt and quick
slice through the consciousness
like white thighs
under flashbulbs

it's a long way
if you want to rock

unbruised model eyes just don't cut it
and the heroin chic massive digs those
kitty slash arms

you blink in the daylight.
and excel in the exploading diamond roman candle flashes
burning retina afterimage delight
captured on camera film
like a fish gasping through tightening netting
like epileptic strobes pulsating through the brain
burrough into the eyes
flick switches
twiddle frequencies
teeth grinning white gnashing foaming rapid mouths which spack words like absolutions
you smile


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